Sunday, May 24, 2009

Gratitude List

Big huge life change comin up next weekend. My almost ex is moving back into our house to be the sole physical guardian of our 3 daughters and I'm moving to my parents to recover for a few weeks. Given a whole lot of things that cannot change, this is the arrangement that is going to be best for my girls, which is all I've ever wanted out of this mess. So, on the one hand, this is good news. But it's really sad and I get angry about it too--not really at a particular person anymore---just at the whole situation.

But life goes on and there are plenty of things to look forward to and still be grateful for.

1. my life is like a brand new canvass
2. i get to enjoy a few weeks in the snug, protective shelter of the Donkey Ranch
3. time and freedom to climb and camp all summer
4. my girls will become more independent
5. the awful fight of this divorce is over and we all have peaceful hearts again
6. i'll be roommates with my baby bro for a few weeks
7. time to read and write more
8. a lot less yard work, house work, laundry, and grocery shopping
9. i'll have a lot of empathy and common ground with all those child-support payin dads out there
10. the love my girls and i feel for each other might be in some ways stronger when it keeps us connected even though we're no longer together.

Truth is, this is very painful and sad. Truth is, I'll be okay.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Keeping Me

I hesitate to ever say or write much until it's absolutely finished and the divorce papers are signed by a judge, but we are working together in good faith and good love right now to give our girls the best of both of us. Unfortunately for me, to get to this good place, I'm not going to be with them every day anymore. Good for them, sad for me.

One little pearl I've tried hard during the last few weeks to give them is a few lines of poetry. I don't even remember where I first saw this gem, but it has become our little bit of love that they will have in their hearts even when I'm not around.

Mama says be good,
Mama says be kind,
Mama says the rain will come,
Yet still the sun will shine.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Things that make me say, "hmmmmmmm"

Well. Perhaps the end of this very sad and very painful road is near. Perhaps...

I am trying hard to detach from the outcome and stay clear about my commitments. I will always stay involved in my daughters' lives. I want them to be welcome and free to visit me often. I actually think it's best for them to be living with me in my home, but either way is okay. Deep breath.

Dear Universe, I love the trees in my backyard and I love the sense of humor of my two youngest children and I love the care and constant sustenance I get from many good friends.

My students did really well on their year-end tests this week and during a normal school year this would mean I'd be dancing around like a mad woman celebrating. But it is not a normal year. And my very own three children are feeling all kinds of sorrow and fear. Yes, the end to this huge mess seems very near, but it will still be a while before I can sleep peacefully.

I do predict, however, that by mid-summer I will be blogging about books and teaching and writing again.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Skittles

Kitten love. What a great way to chill on the weekends when I'm home alone. This baby is feisty and I'm trying to teach him not to scratch.

Is is, I know, a pretty extreme and awful divorce situation, particularly given all the horrendous things that have been said to my three girls. Imagine them standing alone in a hailstorm of guilt and shame. But there is this amazing truth at the bottom of all my peaceful joy: god's love is an absolute constant and as long as our response to all of our pain and suffering is to stay near god, we aren't ever alone, we can't be defeated. In our weakness we are made strong. What I love most about how this has ended up working for me is that I'm made strong through the love and laughter of many excellent friends. I'm given peace through a blind trust in the power of love to heal broken hearts and to bridge huge canyons of difference.

Yeh, one day at a time, of course. How else would we want our days delivered? One delicious, simple, wonderful day at a time is perfect.