Saturday, November 14, 2009

Telling True Stories

When I relinquished custody of my three daughters last May, my mom tried to help ease the pain of that by telling this story: I was a great mom to my three adopted daughters for the four years I was living with them. I helped them learn American culture and loved them well for those four years. But now, because I was giving up physical custody, the story went, I could just be their great friend, like a super supportive aunt. I could be someone off on the side, who still loves them, but can't really be their mom anymore. Well. There was some comfort in that story. And maybe believing that story some is how I managed to not collapse when I actually moved out, it was how I survived the summer.

But it's not true. At all. Being someone's mom doesn't just change into being a nice person on the side. My feelings for them and their feelings for me, at the base of everything, are still all about mother-child love bonds. And telling a more true story, while super painful, is what all four of us need. We love each other fiercely and need those true and loving feelings to be welcomed back into our bruised hearts. There is real, and sometimes overwhelming pain in acknowledging that I'm separated from the beautiful people who are still my children. It aches the most when I come home to my empty apartment after dropping them off at their empty house. But there's also this joyful truth: they are still my children and I am still their mom. A different way of being a mom? Sure. Sure. But people get divorced all the time, and we just figure out how to still be the best parents we can for our children who deserve no less.

6 comments:

Gina said...

Heart wrenching, beautiful. I hope the four of you can find a calm, serene place in the clearing between the two empty houses, where all of the confusion over your new routine and roles may dissipate into natural laughter and nurturing love.

Lisa said...

fierce love is what you all need.

Ordinary Average Guy said...

An inspiration all single parents or soon to be single parents who find them selves on the non custodial side of the fence.

John Atkinson said...

I feel your pain. Nothing can separate the love between you and your children. Thank you for your open heart.
http://www.atkinsontimekeeper.com/

jdcaz said...

Amy, I've sat here this morning, in Australia, and read your blog for an hour. I can't begin to tell you how much I admire your spirit and courage. As a much older and less wise soul, I find you inspirational and will take your wisdom and your words with me in MY world. To say I wish you all the best is really unnecessary as I can "hear" your healing - your daughters and your pupils are truly blessed to have you in their lives.

Rodolfo Rios said...

Very Good!
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