I hiked and biked to the top of Deseret Peak in the mountains west of Salt Lake City this morning. The main road up to the trail is closed so the whole thing was about 11 miles round trip. I biked about three of that and hiked the rest.
I've been making a big transition in the last few weeks. I'm living alone in a one bedroom apartment. I get to see my three daughters sometimes, but not regularly. I'm not sure of the exact day, but I believe I am "officially" divorced now. I really miss my family. There were deep and serious enough issues with my ex that I don't feel much loss there, but we did our best to love each other and now I am 100 percent on my own. Our poor efforts at love were at least something. And my girls, I miss them like crazy. I definitely get sad and a little depressed sometimes and yesterday I was fighting those serpents extra hard.
Hiking is my very reliable way to find both literal and spiritual sunshine. Yes, I am one of *those* crazy women who talks straight to god and believe that he talks right back. So on the trail today I'm whining about not being loved. And then I start noticing some things. Like the scent of the dry pine needles when they are getting smooshed into the spongy, snowy ground. And in the open fields there were these little white butterflies that kept on firecracking up out of the ground as I walked by. They made each open meadow feel like being inside of a well-shaken butterfly snow globe.
And the sunflowers.
I have a good friend whose family has land in Kentucky and I told him once that it'd be cool if he planted me a whole field of sunflowers. Well, right there on the mountainside today, god gave me not just one, but seven, SEVEN, fields of glorious, bright yellow sunflowers. Just blaring their sunflower selves into new shades of van gough brilliance.
And if that mountain and my body's ability to enjoy it so well isn't love, well, what the fuck is? God started laughing when I finally noticed those fields of sunflowers. He was all, "not loved????!! darlin, your capillaries are filling each cell of your body with delicious mountain oxygen and you are looking straight at your very own sunflower fantasy/dream made real, and okay, yes, you can't see past the next bend in the trail. true. but stop straining to look so far ahead and look at what's right in front of you, and all around you, and even right inside you."
Sigh. Deep breath. My gratitude list today is far longer than usual and those tears today---both times---all joy, all love, all grace.