The Hour I First Believed

Dear Wally,

On April 14 2008, in the afterword of your latest novel you wrote, "Having affixed its last period to its final sentence, I now release it to my readers and invite them to find in it whatever they want or need to find."

Thank you for this story.  I'm glad I found it.  I have always been a very voracious reader, but for the past ten months I haven't been able to sit still enough to read much.  Stress and sadness and fear and adrenaline made my mind too jittery.  But Caelum Quirk, that flawed and fabulous character, reeled me into his life and held me there for 700 pages.  

"Books teach us how to live our lives."  Indeed.  That's a quote from a conference I once attended for teachers who believe in books.  And so what have I learned from this story?  To look for and to honor the dignity in each student, in each human.  To trust that the view from above makes this messy labyrinth less ugly and more holy.   To remember that hope and love are not only stronger and more powerful than hate and fear, they also require far more courage.  

A story this good was exactly the medicine I needed to restore my reading habit.  Thank you.

Fields of Sunflowers

I hiked and biked to the top of Deseret Peak in the mountains west of Salt Lake City this morning. The main road up to the trail is closed so the whole thing was about 11 miles round trip. I biked about three of that and hiked the rest.

I've been making a big transition in the last few weeks. I'm living alone in a one bedroom apartment. I get to see my three daughters sometimes, but not regularly. I'm not sure of the exact day, but I believe I am "officially" divorced now. I really miss my family. There were deep and serious enough issues with my ex that I don't feel much loss there, but we did our best to love each other and now I am 100 percent on my own. Our poor efforts at love were at least something. And my girls, I miss them like crazy. I definitely get sad and a little depressed sometimes and yesterday I was fighting those serpents extra hard.

Hiking is my very reliable way to find both literal and spiritual sunshine. Yes, I am one of *those* crazy women who talks straight to god and believe that he talks right back. So on the trail today I'm whining about not being loved. And then I start noticing some things. Like the scent of the dry pine needles when they are getting smooshed into the spongy, snowy ground. And in the open fields there were these little white butterflies that kept on firecracking up out of the ground as I walked by. They made each open meadow feel like being inside of a well-shaken butterfly snow globe.

And the sunflowers.

I have a good friend whose family has land in Kentucky and I told him once that it'd be cool if he planted me a whole field of sunflowers. Well, right there on the mountainside today, god gave me not just one, but seven, SEVEN, fields of glorious, bright yellow sunflowers. Just blaring their sunflower selves into new shades of van gough brilliance.

And if that mountain and my body's ability to enjoy it so well isn't love, well, what the fuck is? God started laughing when I finally noticed those fields of sunflowers. He was all, "not loved????!! darlin, your capillaries are filling each cell of your body with delicious mountain oxygen and you are looking straight at your very own sunflower fantasy/dream made real, and okay, yes, you can't see past the next bend in the trail. true. but stop straining to look so far ahead and look at what's right in front of you, and all around you, and even right inside you."

Sigh. Deep breath. My gratitude list today is far longer than usual and those tears today---both times---all joy, all love, all grace.

Gratitude List

Big huge life change comin up next weekend. My almost ex is moving back into our house to be the sole physical guardian of our 3 daughters and I'm moving to my parents to recover for a few weeks. Given a whole lot of things that cannot change, this is the arrangement that is going to be best for my girls, which is all I've ever wanted out of this mess. So, on the one hand, this is good news. But it's really sad and I get angry about it too--not really at a particular person anymore---just at the whole situation.

But life goes on and there are plenty of things to look forward to and still be grateful for.

1. my life is like a brand new canvass
2. i get to enjoy a few weeks in the snug, protective shelter of the Donkey Ranch
3. time and freedom to climb and camp all summer
4. my girls will become more independent
5. the awful fight of this divorce is over and we all have peaceful hearts again
6. i'll be roommates with my baby bro for a few weeks
7. time to read and write more
8. a lot less yard work, house work, laundry, and grocery shopping
9. i'll have a lot of empathy and common ground with all those child-support payin dads out there
10. the love my girls and i feel for each other might be in some ways stronger when it keeps us connected even though we're no longer together.

Truth is, this is very painful and sad. Truth is, I'll be okay.

Keeping Me

I hesitate to ever say or write much until it's absolutely finished and the divorce papers are signed by a judge, but we are working together in good faith and good love right now to give our girls the best of both of us. Unfortunately for me, to get to this good place, I'm not going to be with them every day anymore. Good for them, sad for me.

One little pearl I've tried hard during the last few weeks to give them is a few lines of poetry. I don't even remember where I first saw this gem, but it has become our little bit of love that they will have in their hearts even when I'm not around.

Mama says be good,
Mama says be kind,
Mama says the rain will come,
Yet still the sun will shine.

Things that make me say, "hmmmmmmm"

Well. Perhaps the end of this very sad and very painful road is near. Perhaps...

I am trying hard to detach from the outcome and stay clear about my commitments. I will always stay involved in my daughters' lives. I want them to be welcome and free to visit me often. I actually think it's best for them to be living with me in my home, but either way is okay. Deep breath.

Dear Universe, I love the trees in my backyard and I love the sense of humor of my two youngest children and I love the care and constant sustenance I get from many good friends.

My students did really well on their year-end tests this week and during a normal school year this would mean I'd be dancing around like a mad woman celebrating. But it is not a normal year. And my very own three children are feeling all kinds of sorrow and fear. Yes, the end to this huge mess seems very near, but it will still be a while before I can sleep peacefully.

I do predict, however, that by mid-summer I will be blogging about books and teaching and writing again.

Skittles

Kitten love. What a great way to chill on the weekends when I'm home alone. This baby is feisty and I'm trying to teach him not to scratch.

Is is, I know, a pretty extreme and awful divorce situation, particularly given all the horrendous things that have been said to my three girls. Imagine them standing alone in a hailstorm of guilt and shame. But there is this amazing truth at the bottom of all my peaceful joy: god's love is an absolute constant and as long as our response to all of our pain and suffering is to stay near god, we aren't ever alone, we can't be defeated. In our weakness we are made strong. What I love most about how this has ended up working for me is that I'm made strong through the love and laughter of many excellent friends. I'm given peace through a blind trust in the power of love to heal broken hearts and to bridge huge canyons of difference.

Yeh, one day at a time, of course. How else would we want our days delivered? One delicious, simple, wonderful day at a time is perfect.

I *am* the Momma

In case this ends up in official court records I just want to be clear, I am doing everything possible to prevent my youngest daughter from ever being incarcerated. I love her to pieces, do my best every single day to teach her to make thoughtful choices, and I give her lots of very powerful little lectures about her future. But, if you've ever met my youngest child you also understand why it's good that I've already dealt with the possibility that she might not follow all of her momma's excellent advice.

Here's the thing, my one source of comfort in the midst of some awful storms: Despite the strong and prolonged efforts by ex and his family to convince my daughters that I am basically "a stranger", that I'm basically nothing important or real in their lives---despite all this and despite their predictably torn responses to it, I still know one thing. Regardless of how all this immediate stuff gets sorted out, deep deep down in my heart I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the first time my baby is in jail, it is *ME* she's gonna call first. "Mom---I can't call uncle," she'll say through her choking sobs. And I'll respond, "I know baby, I know. I'm on my way."